They could barely communicate when they first met. But
the language of love has forged a union that enables them to speak each
other’s thoughts today.
I WAS just 19 and could barely make a
sentence in French when we met. We had our first conversation on a
windy autumn night in November 1989.
By a stroke of fate, the
tyres of the bus we were on got stuck in mud, in some jungle in Toul
(north-east France), permitting the young Tunisian and me, a Malaysian,
to mark a new beginning in our lives.
I was about to enter high
school in France then and had no idea where Tunisia was on the world
map. I was also hopeless in science and couldn’t make out what his
thesis on analytical chemistry was all about.
Yin
and Yang: It’s easy to fall in love but tough to be in love, says the
writer, pictured here with the love of her life, Habibie.
To
top it all, I was struggling to speak in French, leaving us with no
option but to rely on the universal language called Love. Back in the
80s, before Facebook, Twitter and emails, communication was nothing but
simple. Our thumbs and forefingers were not abused.
Growing up in
a dry, cold foreign land, where everybody else spoke a different
language, was like being thrown into the deep ocean without a buoy. I
had no choice but to swim, pacing one stroke with one breath at a time.
He came at the right time, right place and right occasion.
According
to the man in question, it was love at first sight – Cupid shot his
arrow and Yin and Yang fell into place immediately. I fail in maths, he
excels; he fails in writing, I excel. Quick calculation: logic tells me
the Delta of Yin and Yang
will bring about offspring with the best of both worlds. Done!
And
it was with God’s grace that between the jungle, the dry cold autumn
and the bus rides, by default and design, this quiet, intelligent guy
took to me like a gull to the wind. Fast forward three summers and we
tied the knot in the simplest “document signing/religious” ceremony,
with just a pen, a piece of paper, and Al Fatihah in the imam’s
apartment in Nancy (east of Paris).
Today, I stand proud to
announce that we’ve crossed our 20th summer. We’ve gone through thick
and thin together; no doubt the paths we’ve ridden were not always rosy
nor sunny but the trials and tribulations have served to deepen the
bond.
If we accept that we’re all human beings, and that all
human beings are born imperfect, then we have to nurture self-acceptance
and forgiveness. No holding grudges, no hurt feelings, no looking back,
but just keep moving forward.
Ask me the secret recipe of this
cake called marriage, and I’ll say it’s truckloads of trust, respect and
compromise. Love is just the marzipan on the cake, and beauty will
eventually fade away. What remains is the make-up of internal beauty,
led by the heart and controlled by the brains.
All good
relationships are based on trust and loyalty – both rare commodities.
Just like your heart, the strength of a marriage can be determined by a
stress test: this starts off slowly, then it gets faster and faster over
time. And depending on your level of endurance, some will make it to a
higher level, while some will give up mid-way.
Endurance is key,
and it’s for this sole reason that very few remain happily married. Most
“stay married”, some push the reset button, and the braver ones simply
“choose to adhere” to the Sunnah.
Some say marriage kills
romance. I say it’s easy to fall in love, but it’s tough to be in love.
Falling in love is just a one-off affair, whilst being in love is
present, constant and continuous. The same applies to “loving” a person
or “being in love” with a person. Two different states of mind.
However,
and wherever life leads us, we know for a fact that we’ll end up just
the two of us again. The same way we started off. The children we
nurture and love with all our hearts will eventually build their own
lives, therefore it is with this in mind that one should never let work,
daily chores, kids, or other things get in the way. You’ve got to work
at keeping the flame burning, every single day.
We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.
When
we met, we were at least 10kg lighter, with no fine wrinkles, and no
knee problems. Now three beautiful girls later, we patiently accept the
appearance of love handles, platinum hair and the extra pair of eyes. It
is a given that growing old together comes with growing fat together.
They
say time flies when you are having fun. In psychology, they say truly
happy couples will mirror each other in posture and stance. We have gone
way beyond mirroring. After 20 years, the same thoughts run parallel in
my mind and his, resulting in him completing my sentence or giving the
same answer to a question posed.
When words are no longer necessary to express each other’s feelings and thoughts, you know you’ve crossed the bridge!
Happy
anniversary, Habibie. May your 50th birthday bring you more wisdom,
wealth, joy and happiness. It’s been a wonderful two decades and I
certainly look forward to our next 20 years together.
Je t’aime, monamour!
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