I did something courageous a few days back. Something that I never do before and will never do again. To clear my mind, to clarify my direction and to know where I stand. It did not occur to me that I will tell him that night, as we chat and discuss along, I felt a strong urge to ask, I know I need to get it off my chest, if not I will miss the opportunity and not sure when I will be brave enough again. I don't want the attachment feeling sets in and I will fall even deeper for him. Even though uncomfortable, I blurted out, and dare not look at him, heart pounding as quick as it can.... and I told him the truth as I do not want to waste time wondering and hoping and dreaming about him.
Even though the outcome isn't as positive that I hope for, I am able to accept it. I felt relieved that I know the answer instead of several months or years later. I was feeling numb for a while until the next morning, went for body combat class, cried a lil, had a breakfast feast of dim sum and kopi ping and went to work. I was still not feeling that ok and booked my 2 girlfriends for the night.
He has all the characteristics that I like and I want in my husband-to-be. Someone that I admire, someone that I look up to, Someone who motivates, guides and pushes me, Someone who is interesting and we shared lots of laughter. Someone who can control me and I am willing to be submissive to. Am not sure whether he knows that I think highly of him. Probably, he felt I'm too good or he himself is not confident?
Earlier that day, I saw the quote 'If you never ask, the answer will always be no'. Probably this is also one of the reason why I'm so brave to ask. Besides, 2 Sagi friends of mine also had the same opinion.
Many people think that I'm a strong woman, which in fact I may look strong in the outside, but i'm as weak and meek in the inside. Deep inside I long for someone to love and be loved. Someone who wants me as much as I want him. Someone to get up with every morning..
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